My Feelings /My Brother

My brother died last June. It stills seems strange to say these words, you see I have not lost any one really close to me for a very long time and I never really thought that someone I love so much could be here one day and then less than a week later take their last breath. Henry ( my brother) was diagnosed at four years old with juvenile diabetes. He not only lived with this,but we as a family lived with it as well. This disease not only effects the patient it effects their families and every friend you have growing up. You see as children you do not really understand why you can't have all the same snacks as your friends and why you have to take shots when you feel fine and why you have to poke yourself with needles several times a day.

Henry was born fifth out of six children and was next in line after me.I do not think I always treated him as well as I should have, you know how kids can be..." why can't I have ...just because he can't eat it" not some of my proudest moments but they were real. As we grew up we had more fun together.My brother grew into a good man and he made me very proud.( I know the bible says not one is good, but if anyone is it was Henry) Henry loved life more than most people I know and he welcomed all new experiences, his eye specialist finally made him quit bunji jumping because of the damage it was causing to his eyes( diabetes not effects your blood sugar but every major organ and system as well). He was also one of the most gentle men I have ever met. He never met a child he did not like or who did not like him he was every body's uncle.

.One of my most favorite memories of Henry is when Edwin and I lived in the DC area, and Henry came for a visit, it was winter and we took a day trip to Baltimore, it was dusk and we were just walking through the cold city and it occurred to me that people were kind of paying us a little extra attention, I could not figure out why until I realized Henry had come to town in full Texas regalia he had his felt stetson, his boots and his huge duster. I just laughed out loud, not at him but because that is who is was. A cowboy through and through, not because that was his job but because that was his soul. He was like a John Wayne character, a man who loved , a man who helped anyone who needed it, a man who like to have a good time and man who would never back down from anything.

As most of his friends were settling down and having kids, Henry's disease kept progressing, When he started dialysis we had no idea how he would handle this, well he handled it like everything else. Henry met this obstacle head on and on his terms. He continued to work full time for the next several years while going to dialysis three times a week. They say most people go on disability when they start dialysis,but not Henry, he continued to to work and get promoted in the Texas Prison system. He loved his job and was very good at it. He was an honest and an honorable man. He never let diabetes change who he was and he would not let us treat him any differently than we treated each other,which at times can resemble The Friday night smack down.
As the diabetes progressed Henry moved home with my Mom and Dad, which for a lot of people would be disastrous and I know at times it was tough, but they loved each other enough to make it work.

One of my best memories in recent years was when we evacuated for Rita, it took us like 20 hours to get to Amarillo and when we got there we just passed out, at this time Mari had been with us for about a month and she was just 7 months old, When I finally came too and staggered down the hall, there was Henry holding a very content Mari sleeping on his chest. She had known him less than 24 hours and had already fallen in love.


Over the last few years the girls and I, along with my sister would try to go home at least twice a year. For me it really was going home, the best things never changed, we just pick up where we left off, Henry and I shared a similar taste in movies and comic books so we always had something to talk about. And because of Henry a cup of Sonic ice will never again be just a cup of ice.


I think towards the end we came to terms with what was happening while at the same time holding on to good dose of denial, I think that is one of my best coping devices, acknowledge the problem, work to fix it then just shut it off for a while.

For me when the end came it came quickly and way before any of us were really ready for it.
I spoke with Henry on a Sunday and the next day while I was on my flight home to see him, he fell into his final coma.My sister said the last words he spoke, were asking my Mom if she was OK, that was him to a tee, worried about others before himself.

We found out that not only had his kidneys failed but most of his arteries were blocked with plaque, as well as a host of other things.He hated to be intubated and because of this he was kept sedated until a decision was made about all the machines. That was the longest three days and the shortest three days of my life.As unreal as this whole week was, one of the most surreal and nightmarish moments came when we had just eaten and were on our way home and I was just thinking about what to wear the next day, when a wall of pain washed over me, the thought came unbidden that I was picking out the outfit I would wear to watch my brother die.
It is not suppose to be this way.but it is and it was...

My brother passed peacefully surrounded by most of his family and a few close family friends. Over the next few days I discovered some things, by closing your eyes you can shut out reality ...at least for a few seconds at a time and that when people say they feel like they are about to shatter it is a real physical feeling. Both lessons I could have well lived without.

I know we will see Henry again and I am thankful that his suffering has ended. but at the end of the day it comes to this, I miss my brother.

Christmas 2008

Shh.. Did you hear that? Listen, there it was again. There off in the distance did you catch that? Listen, not with your ears but with your soul, your heart, listen with the God sized hole in your inner most being.
Now, now can you hear it? The sounds of the heavenly host getting ready to sing, to sing with joy and anticipation, anticipation at the celebration of our Lord and Savior. Celebration of when our creator made himself man and came to live as one of us? Anticipation of the miracle of the virgin birth, of God among men and anticipation of the greatest gift in the history of the universe. Celebration that the supreme being, the omniscient, omnipresent, almighty God would sacrifice himself to pay the debt for OUR sins, so we could again be in relationship with GOD our Father.
For over 2000 years this yearly remembrance has taken on many different forms and traditions for everyone except the heavenly host, the angelic choir that announced Jesus birth still sings the songs of Glory and Exultation with the same fervor and love that welcomed Christ to our world as he lay in the humble manger in the small town of Bethlehem.
The choir is warming up and almost ready to sing.Christmas Day approaches quickly and we have given ourselves a million things to do, the shopping the cooking , the wrapping and the waiting.
Oh the waiting, do you suppose the angels were gathered together in heaven as they watched Mary and Joseph go those last few miles, do you think the host nudged one another as person after person turned the expectant couple away. Was there a sigh of relief as Joseph approached the one inn keeper who would offer them shelter in his stable?
Can you imagine the excitement of the angels? They knew the Lord and Savior was about to be born to bring peace and joy to all on earth who accept him. Listen, can you hear the gathering breaths as the angels prepare to welcome the King?
Listen, can you feel the love and joy that starts in heaven at the very throne of God and passes down thru the sky to the lonely field where shepherds are keeping their watch.
Have you heard the singing, I have ,I have heard the angels singing, in the laughter of my children and in the whispering voices of my parents who are still so very much in love, I hear the angels singing as my sister shares of herself as only a true Christ follower can and I have heard the angels singing as I hear the voice of my husband as he comes thru the door at the end of the day.
This year has been one of incredible joy and indescribable pain for me and my family, and we are definitely on the busy track, but my prayer for us and for all your families is that we can all stop and listen. Not with our ears but with our hearts and souls as the heavenly choir once again sings of the birth of Christ in our terribly messy world. A world which now more than ever not only needs a Savior but also needs to recognize that we need a Savior.
May you and your family be blessed this Christmas and in the coming year, and remember if all else fails…listen….shh… just listen.

Rant of the day

I am going to have a wreck, please do not get me wrong, I do not want to have a wreck nor am I actively planning a wreck, but one is coming nonetheless. For those of you not up to date on the drama that is my life here is a brief recap…since Sept. we have not had two cars that were working at the same time .The Scion was put out of commission back in Sept. due to a driving mishap, after getting it back (two months later) the Sentra decided it needed some attention as well. Here is a brief list of my fall and winter spending … batteries (2), (one for each car) a starter, battery cable, spark plugs and wires, o2 sensors (2),master flow sensor (?), and fuel pump (2), quiet the inventory isn’t it?Well in between these purchases both cars were allowed to visit home and they even brought assurances of, “that was all that is needed, it is fine now”. Apparently” it is fine now” is mechanic speak for be prepared for your car to randomly die while shifting into third gear (a standard car thing for all you automatic drivers) and for it to refuse to start in the over crowded parking lot of Papasitos on a Friday after dinner with your teen age daughters. However, I would like to note that with the teen age daughters I had an abundance of assistance offers from the teenage wait staff at said restaurant. But I digress why will I wreck? What is this cloud of doom, this sword of Damocles, if you will, over my head? Well here is the rub; I cannot stop staring at, in one car the RPM meter and in the other the check engine light. I am now fixated on both of these gauges. These two instruments now control not only my car but also my mood and my blood pressure. We have had the Scion back less than 18 hours ( the longest the Check engine light has been off) and I keep waiting for it to come back on, I know it wants to, it is just waiting until I relax my vigilance and look away. It will come back on, since the next step suggested by the mechanic is to…. Are you ready for this, order the part from Japan, now this part has to be shipped in separate pieces and re assembled here on the car itself….. puleese the Scion is shipped fully assembled from Japan for like a $1.50, so why does the fuel pump assembly get such special treatment? I am thinking because I will need one that’s why. Now I am sure you can all understand why I can no longer be worried with the safety of small animals, children or even postmen; I must remain ever vigilant in my task of watching the gauges in my car and bending them to my will. For your own protection I am usually on the road from 2:30 to 4:00 so watch out for yourself, since I will be too busy gauge watching to look out for you.
Have a great Day!!

If you are not Kermit, I do not want to hear it

Yep, I said it, how politically incorrect can you get? I don't know, but let's find out.
Now on the whole "Green " thing I realize that this just a cause celeb for most people and it will just fade away in a few weeks,but there some folks out there who fully have embraced the idea that we can "save" the planet from the bad humans. All we need to do is just hit the off switch on society as we know it and go back to living in caves.Yes, it would have to be caves,because we can't use trees anymore, not since Oprah and her latest guru have discovered that even plants have feelings and a conscience.Feelings and a conscience? I know some people who do not even have those,but now the oak tree in the park does. Makes sense to me.
I can understand the need to make some adjustments and to take care of what we have been given charge of.
And,if corporations "decide" to totally rework their operations and spend half the work day resorting trash well then so be it, it is just job security as far I am concerned.Forget about the govt making a jobs program we can just have our MBA's separating plastics from paper and composting the remains of corporate lunches.
Sweet Sassy Molassey I do not even have a problem with each and every department,food,pharmacy,discount and specialty store making their own reusable shopping bag, ( with what I do not know, I just hope there is enough of it to go around. Cars that get 100 miles to the gallon go for it. Food with no preservatives( which means we have to eat it straight from the field) bring it on

However, when my daughter calls from the store asking if she should buy the recycled toilet paper I draw my line in the sand.I draw it long and I draw it deep! My first thought was my gosh how do you even recycle that? There are some things that I do not need know,or even think about having been used before. I realize recycling is a good thing but really recycled toilet paper, what kind of person even looks for that product? And do you want to be known as that person? I tell you we are getting into very weird territory.
Also, has anyone else noticed how belligerent the"green" folks are getting? ( not as crazed as PETA but getting close, inciting trouble? Perhaps bit I will let them have their own post in the future. All I have to say on that is meat is murder,tasty,tasty murder) I bet it is because the recycled paper is a little rough.
Anyway...there is a quote going around FB that says "if I hear about one more corporation going green ,I will start burning rubber tires in my back yard."

So, once again it is proven that everyone has a breaking point and apparently mine is recycled toilet paper. So if you see me gathering old tires just look the other way, it is just me fighting my private battle against the green menace and fighting for my right to non recycled toilet paper:).