My Feelings /My Brother

My brother died last June. It stills seems strange to say these words, you see I have not lost any one really close to me for a very long time and I never really thought that someone I love so much could be here one day and then less than a week later take their last breath. Henry ( my brother) was diagnosed at four years old with juvenile diabetes. He not only lived with this,but we as a family lived with it as well. This disease not only effects the patient it effects their families and every friend you have growing up. You see as children you do not really understand why you can't have all the same snacks as your friends and why you have to take shots when you feel fine and why you have to poke yourself with needles several times a day.

Henry was born fifth out of six children and was next in line after me.I do not think I always treated him as well as I should have, you know how kids can be..." why can't I have ...just because he can't eat it" not some of my proudest moments but they were real. As we grew up we had more fun together.My brother grew into a good man and he made me very proud.( I know the bible says not one is good, but if anyone is it was Henry) Henry loved life more than most people I know and he welcomed all new experiences, his eye specialist finally made him quit bunji jumping because of the damage it was causing to his eyes( diabetes not effects your blood sugar but every major organ and system as well). He was also one of the most gentle men I have ever met. He never met a child he did not like or who did not like him he was every body's uncle.

.One of my most favorite memories of Henry is when Edwin and I lived in the DC area, and Henry came for a visit, it was winter and we took a day trip to Baltimore, it was dusk and we were just walking through the cold city and it occurred to me that people were kind of paying us a little extra attention, I could not figure out why until I realized Henry had come to town in full Texas regalia he had his felt stetson, his boots and his huge duster. I just laughed out loud, not at him but because that is who is was. A cowboy through and through, not because that was his job but because that was his soul. He was like a John Wayne character, a man who loved , a man who helped anyone who needed it, a man who like to have a good time and man who would never back down from anything.

As most of his friends were settling down and having kids, Henry's disease kept progressing, When he started dialysis we had no idea how he would handle this, well he handled it like everything else. Henry met this obstacle head on and on his terms. He continued to work full time for the next several years while going to dialysis three times a week. They say most people go on disability when they start dialysis,but not Henry, he continued to to work and get promoted in the Texas Prison system. He loved his job and was very good at it. He was an honest and an honorable man. He never let diabetes change who he was and he would not let us treat him any differently than we treated each other,which at times can resemble The Friday night smack down.
As the diabetes progressed Henry moved home with my Mom and Dad, which for a lot of people would be disastrous and I know at times it was tough, but they loved each other enough to make it work.

One of my best memories in recent years was when we evacuated for Rita, it took us like 20 hours to get to Amarillo and when we got there we just passed out, at this time Mari had been with us for about a month and she was just 7 months old, When I finally came too and staggered down the hall, there was Henry holding a very content Mari sleeping on his chest. She had known him less than 24 hours and had already fallen in love.


Over the last few years the girls and I, along with my sister would try to go home at least twice a year. For me it really was going home, the best things never changed, we just pick up where we left off, Henry and I shared a similar taste in movies and comic books so we always had something to talk about. And because of Henry a cup of Sonic ice will never again be just a cup of ice.


I think towards the end we came to terms with what was happening while at the same time holding on to good dose of denial, I think that is one of my best coping devices, acknowledge the problem, work to fix it then just shut it off for a while.

For me when the end came it came quickly and way before any of us were really ready for it.
I spoke with Henry on a Sunday and the next day while I was on my flight home to see him, he fell into his final coma.My sister said the last words he spoke, were asking my Mom if she was OK, that was him to a tee, worried about others before himself.

We found out that not only had his kidneys failed but most of his arteries were blocked with plaque, as well as a host of other things.He hated to be intubated and because of this he was kept sedated until a decision was made about all the machines. That was the longest three days and the shortest three days of my life.As unreal as this whole week was, one of the most surreal and nightmarish moments came when we had just eaten and were on our way home and I was just thinking about what to wear the next day, when a wall of pain washed over me, the thought came unbidden that I was picking out the outfit I would wear to watch my brother die.
It is not suppose to be this way.but it is and it was...

My brother passed peacefully surrounded by most of his family and a few close family friends. Over the next few days I discovered some things, by closing your eyes you can shut out reality ...at least for a few seconds at a time and that when people say they feel like they are about to shatter it is a real physical feeling. Both lessons I could have well lived without.

I know we will see Henry again and I am thankful that his suffering has ended. but at the end of the day it comes to this, I miss my brother.